This Day That Age

Date: Wed, 26 Jan 2005 13:58:26 -0600
Subject: its that time of the year
Half a dozen years ago, you didn't have to be told what time of the year this is...

Besides the Crossword, the occasional Art Buchwald column and the half-page MRF tyres advertisement, in the last page of The Hindu is a daily feature titled This Day That Age. It's a small column reproducing verbatim The Hindu's articles from the same day but an earlier age. I thought I would do something similar, dig through my memory, carefully sift and clean the remains I stumble on, glue them together and give you a peek into that age on this day. But...

R.K.Laxman, in the foreword of one of his books, once wrote about the "timelessness" of his cartoons. He claimed that "things had hardly changed with time" and that he could safely reproduce any of his older cartoons from the book, in the day's newspaper and that the reader would hardly notice anything amiss. Today, as I began to write, I realised that "things had hardly changed with time" and that I could safely reproduce any of the newer articles from the newsletter, in the day's blog and that the reader would hardly notice anything amiss!

OK, wipe that smirk, most bloggers cog from others and they are even getting awards for the same. At least, I took the trouble of cooking up a reason. And even Conan does it - "I saw this segment on Jay Leno and thought to myself, why not just rip it off, baby". So, here's a little something, ripped off in toto, and you tell me if things have changed!

Philosophy Section: The Memoirs of Casonovix

Cosmopolitan gives you details on how to get a soul mate. Here, in the newsletter, we aren't going to aim that high. I mean, if you really want a quality, meaningful relationship or some crap like that, you can always have one vicariously through watching America's Sweethearts. And then saying 'how sweet' whenever John Cusack makes an ass of himself. And after that, maybe you'd like to eat lots of chocolate ice cream in your pajamas and keep talking about how you're waiting for 'The One'. But if you do that, you won't really get anywhere with women (you shouldn't, if life's fair). And you'd probably have freaked out all your guy friends, so you'll die a depressing, lonely death. So looking for life partners isn't really such a good idea. Take that, stupid Cosmo writers.

No, hitting meaninglessly on random women is definitely the way to go. And that's what we'll teach you how to do here.

I guess that at this point, you'd have guessed that the target audience for this article is pretty specific. Specifically, male. This is because a) Only guys would be stupid enough to read a dumbass article like this one; b) I have no idea what women want to read; and c) Do women really need to actually go out and hit on guys?

Anyway, now that that's done, we get down to specifics.

First and I cannot stress this enough, do NOT wear one of those stupid insti T-shirts. Most guys are probably going to bring the fact that they're from IIT into any conversation some twenty times a minute. Loudly proclaiming it on your clothes isn't gonna help much. And plus, even if you're dumb enough to think otherwise, the stuff written on them isn't really witty or anything. Come on, the guys who wrote it did it for a lousy free T-shirt.

Second, pick the time well. No one wants to flirt with you if they're rushing to catch an event, or if they're tired and sleepy after a pro show, or if their hair is on fire. Keep that in mind.

One thing that's sure to work - go up and ask for the time. Then, when you get the time, ask her if she's sure. Then ask her when some event is scheduled. Then ask her if she's sure about the time again. At this point, she'll laugh out loud thinking you're the stupidest person to walk the earth, and live off this anecdote at dinner parties for the rest of her life. Now, the thing is, even though you've totally struck out with her and she thinks you're a complete idiot, your friends ten feet away won't know that. Just tell them that she laughed at your classy humor, and you can get the hundred bucks or whatever some guy there bet you. And hey, a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks. People work for hours to make that much.

This one, I think, should be pretty obvious, but surprisingly, very few guys get it. Going to the dance workshop to learn the jive or the salsa is ok. But don't really expect to cash there, unless you're at least kind of graceful. Or, you have Hugh Grant's self deprecatory charm. And his good looks. And his sexy blue eyes. And his British accent.

That's pretty much it in the self-help section of the newsletter. I know it's not much, but if you're really looking for pointers in the random speculations of some guys in a lousy rag no one really reads, then you're beyond help and I'm not going to waste my time on you. Anyway, in a place where talking to anything that looks vaguely feminine is taken as a huge sexual conquest, and getting any kind of response, even a monosyllabic grunt, means that you're Don Juan (God rest his soul) resurrected from his grave, it can't really be that difficult. Best of luck.

And by the way, never forget the power of lying - to yourself about your chances, to women about yourself, and to your friends about the women.