How to form a government in India

The recent assembly election results from Jharkhand and Bihar have caught the United Progressive Alliance (UPA) and its constituents (Congress party, Shibu Soren’s Jharkhand Mukthi Morcha (JMM) in Jharkhand and Laloo Prasad Yadav’s Rashtriya Janata Dal (RJD) in Bihar) completely unawares. Laloo Prasad Yadav, who was actually napping when the results were being announced, didn’t speak to the media until the next day. Later, he complained that it was a “rude wake-up call” and sheepishly confessed that he couldn’t watch the live election results on TV, since though he was the head of the house it was actually Rabri who handled the remote-control.

The UPA soon convened a closed-door meeting of senior party leaders where Shibu Soren blamed the “many cooks who butted in with suggestions and advice and spoiled the UPA’s broth”. He also claimed that the only person capable of single-handedly cooking the UPA’s broth was Sonia Gandhi (she had once famoulsy whipped up a bucketful of tamatar ka shorba by just adding water to a bottleful of Barilla’s pasta sauce). The various party leaders then unanimously resolved to henceforth leave all important decisions to Sonia Gandhi to effectively counter the “communal forces”. Sonia Gandhi, who was visibly moved at the spontaneous outpouring of mass sycophancy, assured them that she would make a few calls and ensure that “no one ever spoke against the family”.

A few day-time, long-distance minutes later, in an unprecedented move, the Governor of Jharkhand - Syed Sibtey Razi, refused to invite the single largest pre-poll alliance or the single largest political party to form the government. Speaking at Raj Bhavan, he declared that his primary goal instead was to form a government “that is stable”. The media and many political parties (including National Democratic Alliance (NDA) which had a majority) consequently agonized for long hours as to what exactly “stable” meant. Meanwhile, the UPA deputed Laloo Prasad Yadav, who had valuable experience in maintaining a stable back home in Bihar, to explore ways of forming a government in Jharkhand. Immediately on his arrival, Laloo demonstrated his considerable prowess in trading in horses and other farm animals and soon built a fine stable in Jharkhand too. By the end of the day, he had successfully persuaded several independent candidates, including the JMM rebel - Stephen Marandi, to help the UPA to form a “stable” government.

Stephen Marandi had earlier quit JMM and successfully campaigned in Jharkhand as an Independent “against the nepotism and corruption in Shibu Soren’s JMM”. Speaking to the local press, he explained his volte-face as a selfless effort to thwart "the communal forces from uprooting secularism in Jharkhand”.

The next day, the Governor of Jharkhand, brazenly re-declared that “arithmetic was not important” and carried forward his threat of forming a “stable” government when he swore-in Shibu Soren of JMM as the Chief Minister of Jharkhand. In an effort to dismiss widespread criticism and charges of gubernatorial delinquency, the Governor sought to defend his decision by taking the issue to the masses’ favorite media. In an interview with Stardust magazine, when pointed out that the UPA clearly didn’t have the numbers to constitute a majority, he said that he was “never interested in the 'numbers game' and just wanted to do some good work”. Speaking about his relationship with the Congress president, he revealed that when the whole polity had ignored him, it was Sonia who had given him his first break. “Sonia is just like family”, he said and promptly added, “I would gladly sign any of her memos even without reading their italicized script”.

In the following days, the Congress soon realized that it had landed itself in a soup thicker than Barilla’s pasta sauce. Shibu Soren’s “stable” government lasted exactly seven days when he was forced to resign before the vote of confidence in the Jharkhand assembly. Meanwhile, in Bihar, Ram Vilas Paswan refused to let his Lok Janshakthi Party (LJP) support Laloo Prasad Yadav’s RJD in forming a government. The Congress had already sent a letter to the Bihar Governor pledging its support of 10 MPs (and one additional CPI (M) MP thrown in good faith) to Laloo Prasad Yadav’s RJD. At the same time, it was being rumoured that Nitish Kumar of Janata Dal United (JD (U)) was in talks with Ram Vilas Paswan and others "to form a government with non-RJD parties in Bihar". This was particularly troublesome for Congress, since both Ram Vilas Paswan and Laloo Prasad Yadav were important members of the UPA government at the centre. Thus, the Congress was in real danger of losing power at both the states and the centre to "communal forces".

Soon, Sonia Gandhi called an “emergency” meeting of the senior members of her coterie and disassociated herself from the current state of affairs. The party’s media managers and spin-meisters were cornered into describing it as an “unfortunate series” of “unintended events” over which the party “high command” had absolutely “no control”. Even as the Congress spokesman - Jaipal Reddy, was shouting himself hoarse putting this spin to the media, some Congress party workers burnt the effigy of Nitish Kumar of JD(U) (which is also a member of BJP’s NDA) in Bihar for aligning with the “communal forces”. Unfortunately, mistaking the ‘bearded effigy’ for Ram Vilas Paswan, the LJP’s cadre promptly burnt Sonia Gandhi’s effigy in serial retaliation. The unintended events further fractured the UPA’s tenuous coalition at the centre. Sonia, fearing loss of all control over the party, expressed her great disappointment with the irresponsible actions of the party workers and immediately but gently reminded them that no effigies, puppets or dummies could be burnt or even made Prime Minister without her express approval.