How to cover the fashions at the Oscars

The popularity of the fashions at the Oscars prompted ABC to completely revamp its red carpet coverage this year. Showcasing patent-pending American ingenuity, it copied the best elements of other unrelated shows and created a hybridized approach. In an inspired move, it roped in its favorite Monday night football commentator, an instant Internet pollster from its national news channel and an underpaid fashion expert from one of its makeover shows, to cover the fashions at the Oscars.

As each nominee appeared on the red-carpet, the football commentator highlighted various areas of their dresses and bodies with his ‘electronic chalk marker’. For example, the viewer’s attention was drawn towards the loose fit in the bust region of an actress by drawing two circles in the area of interest. Also, as Oprah walked in, free-hand arcs were drawn in the waist region to highlight the bursting seams of her dress. Oprah later claimed that the camera had added at least ten pounds to her image and that there were at least ten cameras on her at that instant.

The Internet pollster provided instant poll results on the popularity of various dresses. The belle of the ball, Million Dollar Baby - Hillary Swank, who appeared in a stunning, back-baring, Prussian blue number, received a high 9.6 while Oprah dismissed her own low rating by complaining that many of her fans didn’t really watch Oscars… because she wasn’t really an actress and also because she had no fans. Many viewers were consequently left wondering what exactly she was doing on the red carpet.

Earlier in the day, Oprah had been spotted effortlessly fawning and selflessly ingratiating herself with every actor and actress on the red carpet (because she really wanted every nominee to win an Oscar) and hence received more screen-time than the nominees themselves. Finding herself next to a television crew on the red carpet, she deftly drew attention to herself by exclaiming, “What a dress! What a back! What a body! What low fat-to-muscle ratio! What lats! What pecs…”, though it wasn’t clear whether she was trying to suck up to Hilary Swank or Jamie Fox.

The fashion expert had a busy day. He began by repeatedly thanking God “for making Hilary Swank wear that dress” and readily claimed that she deserved an Oscar for the dress itself. He then quickly identified the important emerging fashion trends - the color blue, wavy Grecian hairdos, million dollar bling-blings and back baring ensembles and remarked that unlike the previous year, pregnancy wear no longer seemed to be in vogue. Among other comments, he said that Penelope Cruz’s giant peach bowed dress made her look like a prom-going-teenager from the eighties and that Vanessa Bauche’s hairdo made her look like a bingo-playing-grandma from the same decade. Rene Zellweger, thanks to her red camouflage outfit on the red carpet, escaped the commentator’s uncompromising scrutiny.

Even as the fashion expert concluded that the men hadn’t experimented too much and stuck to their black Tuxedos and well-polished black shoes, Sean P Diddy Combs (it wasn’t immediately clear who had invited him) ambushed a reporter and revealed to him that he had personally dressed Chris Rock. Seeing the shocked expression on the reporter’s face, he clarified that he had only designed the outfit and that Chris had actually worn the dress by himself. P. Diddy, who spends all his day coining new nick names for himself, said that he had taken time off his busy schedule and turned designer to “bridge the gap between men’s and women’s fashion”. ”It is not fair that women get to wear all the bling-bling”, he stated and declared his intent to start a new bling-rich watch line for men. To further substantiate his intent, he showed the reporter a brand new “Rollex” watch that he had smuggled himself and discreetly offered to sell it to the reporter for a small sum. Before leaving, as an up-and-coming designer he outlined his vision for men’s fashion at the next year’s Oscar show and predicted that “deep v-necks and very low and open backs” would be a big hit with men too.

Rebel star Johnny Depp maintained his image of being a fashion outlaw by appearing in neo-pirate-wear replete with a goatee and golden teeth. Because Johnny doesn’t play the same character twice and because he had already acted in one pirate movie, there was much speculation regarding the golden teeth. Some claimed that he had been signed up as the next Austin Powers, and in keeping with the integrity and the preparation that he brings to all of his characters, he had just not brushed or flossed in weeks. But, since Johnny was anyway a notorious introvert, there was general relief that he would at least mercifully keep his mouth shut.

Later in the night, visibly pleased with the success of their Oscar fashions coverage, the producer said that they would try harder to copy random elements from other shows to improve the presentation the next year. Off the camera but still on the microphone, he told a reporter that negotiations were on with Simon from the American Idol to be a commentator who would occasionally heckle the actresses by calling them drag queens. He also revealed that rotating 360 degree before-and-after the makeup images of all actresses and actors and strategically placed miniature cameras for close-up bust visions were some of the other enhancements already under consideration.